Touch $tarved

“It is very rare that I feel lonely. Very rare. But during the pandemic, I experienced flares of my chronic illnesses often-and in those moments I felt extremely, sometimes unbearably alone. It wasn’t that I wanted more people in my life; I wanted more support from the people I already had around me. I felt alone in my relationship, so I ended it. I felt alone in friendships, so I ended those too. And while I genuinely enjoy being in a room full of just me and Allah, sometimes I crave physical touch. I crave the experience of being treated gently. I want it so badly that it becomes a gnawing hunger and it consumes me. In those moments, I have to just sit down and wrap my arms around myself and allow myself to feel grief about the fact that I am touch starved. Starved for affection, intimacy, connection and community. Isolation during quarantine and well into what people are already idiotically calling ‘post-Covid’ -this has taken such a massive toll on me, like I’m sure it has for most chronically ill people. I’m slowly moving outside of my comfort zone, forcing myself to leave my studio for at least an hour a day to go to galleries or take walks of have tea with friends. But it’s been hard, and I’d be lying if I said it didn’t almost break me. I’m very grateful for the fact that I was able to turn this emotion into art. If I have no one to touch, I will at least always have art to touch my soul. And for now, art will have to be enough.” -B.N. Blithe de Carona